At this turning point, we have the opportunity to use our 20/20 hindsight to look backwards on our life’s journey with greater clarity and awareness than when we went through the process the first time through. Why would we want to reconsider what has already happened? In my observation, our ego-mind tends to label things as “good or bad” when they are happening. However, at that point in time, we don’t have all the information that we need to really make a clear assessment of the situation. Often, what we think is “bad” may not be as bad as we thought, and what we label “good” may have other elements, as well. In fact, many of the events of our lives tend to neutralize with time and perspective.

The late Wayne Dyer titled his last book “I Can See Clearly Now” and explained that looking back on his life from the vantage point of his seventies, he could see clearly now why every thing happened the way it did—the good and the difficult.

So I invite you to explore your 20/20 hindsight, and ponder those major events of life that caused you to form beliefs, assessments and attitudes. Then, see what happens if you reframe your beliefs as hypotheses instead of the truth. Changing a belief into a hypothesis allows you to open the door to consider other possible hypotheses. What else could be an explanation? What else could be the truth?

I would venture to bet that as you do this, you will start to see how many assumptions you have made, and how inaccurate many of them have been. I would also venture to guess that forming your beliefs around inaccurate assumptions has caused you pain and potential disharmony with others. Taking the time now to reframe your perspective, consider other possibilities, and form new beliefs (or better yet, new hypotheses) based on a broader viewpoint may set you (and those you are in relationship with) free from pain. You may find yourself in forgiveness, compassion and even gratitude.

A simple example of this is when we text someone and they don’t respond. Without any additional information, we tend to try to make sense of why they didn’t text us back. That is when we make up stories that often go quite askew. “He is ignoring me.” “She is with someone else.” “I’m not important to him.” etc. etc. With new information we may discover that the other person’s battery died, or they were in a meeting, or driving, or waiting to discuss the matter in person. Reacting and responding from the misguided perception can cause a lot of problems. If we take the time to look at this in retrospect, we stand the chance of learning how to avoid doing this in the present moment—and in the future.

What beliefs have you held that caused you pain?

Do you know they are actually true? Is there another belief or explanation possible?

In retrospect, is there anyone you want to forgive or ask forgiveness of?

Is there another way to view things when they happen that will set you free more quickly?

My motto (in progress) for the last few years is to “Trust Faster.” My logic is that I would rather “see clearly” the rhyme, reason and blessing right away instead of having to wait until my seventies to understand. By putting this concept to practice in the moment with things that I think are “bad,” I’m given the freedom to move more quickly into understanding—and greater freedom from suffering.

At this turning of the year, and the decade for that matter, we also have the beautiful opportunity to apply our 20/20 hindsight toward the future to develop our 20/20 vision, metaphorically speaking. To some extent, this is the ability to realize that events are not what make us happy or miserable, but rather it is the way we respond to those events that leads to those results. When we truly realize that, and choose to respond differently, we create a different experience.

20/20 vision is also an opportunity to look forward, envision the life we want to create and make steps in that direction.

What do you want your life to hold?

What are you here (in this life) to practice/master? (It is doubtful your soul incarnated to practice impatience, judgment, anger, jealousy, self-doubt—so mindfully choose instead what you ARE here to practice)

I encourage you to determine what you are aiming for (happiness, health, loving relationships, financial security, spiritual awareness) and assess every thought, belief, word and action to see if it is moving in the direction of your intended target, or leading the opposite way. Then a deep breath and the choice to realign will allow you to more powerfully be a co-creator of your vision—your life.

I have a great fear of being attracted to the same type of person as my ex-husband. I have been separated now almost three years and hope to be divorced very soon. There will never be a reconciliation. He is a man who plays mind games and is obsessed with hunting, drinking, and pornography, not to mention many affairs, and verbal and physical abuse. I know what I want, but at the same time am very afraid of never finding it. I need someone who above all I can respect. I am searching for someone who is professional and well respected-someone who respects himself, as well as others. I sincerely hope that you will be able to give me some help. I would truly like to know what you think.

Please help!

Hi,

I empathize with your fear and appreciate your desire to create a different, healthier relationship.

The catch here is that you are looking outside of yourself for the solution (the kind of man you date) which is only a half, if that, of the problem. As long as you are looking at the kind of men as the problem and the solution, you stand a good chance of creating another situation in which you feel powerless and like a victim.

People only treat us the way we let them. The real challenge that you face is empowering yourself to the extent that you will not, under any circumstances, allow that kind of treatment in your life again. This requires building your self-esteem and self-respect to the point that you realize that you are powerful and deserving of a healthy relationship. As you build your self-esteem, you will discover that there is no space for an abusive man in your life, or heart. When you shift, the kind of men you attract will shift…not vice versa.

Issues such as you describe in your past relationship are symptoms of the ego’s need for approval or control. I would like to invite you to consider that you have a need for approval and thus you are constantly attracting men with a need for control. (Control freaks!) As you transcend your ego’s need for approval (your weak, insecure self), and rather, align with your strong, centered self, you will stop attracting—and keeping—controllers.

All of us tend to operate from either a primary need for control, or a primary need for approval. We then tend to attract the opposite of whichever need we have. This is a dysfunctional situation, but excruciatingly common. Our power does not lie in trying to change the way other people are, but rather in changing the way we are. When we change ourselves, others change in relationship to us. If we no longer accept abuse, they either have to stop being abusive or the relationship has to end.

Thus, the transition to choosing healthy partners begins with being a healthy, esteemed person. I know this isn’t the easy answer you were likely hoping for, but it is a powerful reality.

With that said, paying attention as we are choosing the partners is also important. Watch for the “Little Red Flags.” When we look back on our relationships we can usually see what the signs were right in front of us from the beginning. What we need to do is get adept at recognizing those signs up front. Pay attention!

Then, when you see the signs (of control, abuse, disrespect) in someone else, first stop, and ask yourself what you need to shift in yourself so that you don’t encounter or evoke that behavior any more. It may be that you need to establish your boundaries and clearly communicate your needs more effectively. It may be that you need to be more respectful-of yourself or him, or it may be that you have to get out of the relationship.

People don’t generally change when we ask them to, but they do change in response to us. When we change the way we respond to them, they change the way they respond to us.

I wish you the best!

With Aloha,

Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How do you let others treat you?

Love Tip of the Week: Relationships require a lot of negotiating and compromise, however the one area that should never be compromised is self-respect.

I teach a movement class called ‘Nia’ and one of the regular attendees of my classes has also become a good friend over the last four years.  I’m feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place as a friend/teacher, in that this woman is consistently late for not only my classes, but everything else.  She tends to arrive 15 to 20 minutes late for every class and I find this not only mildly disruptive, but somewhat disrespectful towards me as a ‘professional’.  I’m unfortunately at a point now where this has gone on so long (I have previously mentioned to her that I appreciate people arriving on time as much as is within their control) that I feel an animosity towards her when she arrives in class.  I’m rather disappointed in myself in that I have not firmly set my boundaries with her so in part this is my issue also!

I welcome any words of wisdom you may have regarding this.

Again, thank you so much in advance for your reading this,

Aloha,

I empathize with your frustration. I have a couple of perspectives on this, that will hopefully assist you in taking your power back and defusing the situation.

First, I suggest you consider that it really isn’t her being late that is annoying you, it is the story that you have made up in your head about WHY she is late.

Let me illustrate my point. The story you have made up is that she doesn’t respect you enough to be on time. Hence, you are hurt and annoyed. However, how would you feel if she told you that the real story is that she is insanely busy, can barely squeeze the class in and respects you, your teaching and your class so much that she can’t stand missing it? That would undoubtedly cause you to be flattered every time she rushes into your class.

I would consider either asking her what is up that is causing her to be late, or, deciding it doesn’t matter and making up a new story—a flattering one—about what her being late means. If her being late isn’t really the issue, but rather what you are thinking about it; then it doesn’t really matter that she is late. Hence, you will be set free if you let go of the issue without even knowing the truth about why.

As a speaker, I empathize, though. Sometimes people get up and walk out when I am speaking and I simply practice self-observation. I notice that my ego makes up a story that they don’t like what I am saying, or I’m boring or something equally unflattering. When instead, I choose to listen to my Spirit (rather than my ego), I realize that they just had to go to the bathroom, or had another appointment, but wanted to hear as much of my presentation as possible before they had to leave, or… As long as I know I am doing my part, the audience is responsible for theirs. After years of speaking, it doesn’t phase me at all anymore when people leave; I have learned it rarely, if ever, has anything to do with me.

If you feel that you really need to set boundaries, you can tell the class that latecomers aren’t allowed, or you can pull your friend aside and explain to her how important it is to you that she arrive on time. However, as in any relationship, when your happiness is dependent on what everyone else does, you set yourself up to be a victim. When you have a lot of students, that is a lot of power to make you miserable.

Before you say anything to her, I invite you to see if you can do some deep self-inquiry to see what is really bothering you. In doing so, you will discover whether you can simply let go of the issue, or whether you need to indeed “set boundaries” or have a heart to heart with your friend. Then, if action is needed, do your best to take action aligned with your Spirit, rather than your ego.

Let me know what you decide and how it works!

Much aloha

Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What stories are you making up? Are they serving you?

Love Tip: Sometimes in order to experience peace and harmony all you need to do is tell yourself a new story.

I lost my soul mate when he died after twenty-eight years together and now, I’m ready to jump back into the dating pool and get wet. I’ve had two husbands and am not looking for marriage again. What I would really like to find is a companion to have fun with and see what happens. I’m a woman of nearly sixty-one and love life. I’m not a dazzler, but nice to look at (with a few extra pounds I’m getting rid of). I’m very active and have a lot of fun with the “Red Hatters.” I’m open to a lot of activities and sports and am more or less and a pretty well rounded woman.

I’ve found a couple of men online that are very high in match compatibilities and have written them, but not a word back in nearly three weeks.  Maybe I’m being too forward about what I don’t want. What do you think? How specific should I be about what I don’t want?

I appreciate your input.

Aloha,

You sound wonderfully full of life and clear about what you want.

I admire your willingness to “jump into life” with both feet! Dating online is definitely a numbers game, so it is important just keep putting yourself out there and be patient. Please don’t let a lack of response discourage you and try not to take it personally. People don’t respond for hundreds of reasons, many of which have nothing to do with you personally, your profile or email. Sometimes they don’t respond because they are scared; sometimes they don’t log on for a long time; sometimes they have someone they’ve started dating already; sometimes they just know they aren’t your match. When you don’t know the reason someone isn’t interested in you and are thus, in a position to make up a story of explanation, make up a story that supports you, rather than hinders you. For instance, rather than assuming that they don’t like something about you, assume instead that they know that they are not ready for someone as wonderful as you.

At the same time, it is wise to reread your profile and initial emails with a discriminating eye to see if there is anything that you can modify to make your message and your heart match more clearly. If you think you are emphasizing what you don’t want too much, go back and modify your profile to give the same information but emphasizing what you do want. Instead of saying, “I don’t want marriage” say “I’m looking for a companion with whom to celebrate life.” Sometimes emphasizing what you don’t want comes off as negative when in actuality, you are just very clear about what you do want. Rewrite your profile so that your clarity comes through with a positive twist so it doesn’t turn potential suitors off.

I would also like to invite you to reframe the concept of “I lost my soul mate.” While a completely understandable thing to say, the implication is that there is only one soul mate per person and once “lost, that kind of love, depth of intimacy and ultimate soul connection is not ever going to be yours again. If it feels comfortable to you, I encourage a tiny change to the statement to say instead, “I lost A soul mate” and then hold open the possibility (in actuality, the likelihood) that there is more than one soul mate per person and now you get another chance to find your other soul mates. There are dozens, maybe even hundreds of people on the planet for each of us that we have a very deep soul connection with. Not all of those soul mates are appropriate matches for each phase of life, but the connection can be felt even if we choose not to develop a relationship with that person. Love operates in abundance!

I applaud your forward momentum and wish you the best.

With Aloha,

Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What DO you want?

Love Tip: Become your own “editor” both for the written and spoken word. Rephrase what your words are saying to match what your heart wants to say.

After fifteen years of marriage, I am back in the dating pool. I have known this gentleman for two years and he and I have flirted back and forth the whole time. He now has a girlfriend of one year, but never speaks positive of her. He still flirts a lot and at every opportunity either hugs me or holds my waist or hand. He got together with the girlfriend when he thought I was married (it was a long drawn out divorce). He knows the divorce is official and is always asking me things about my life. I asked him if he is going to get married and he said that he “isn’t giving her a ring just to make her happy.” He has told me once that he loved her, but wouldn’t look me in the face. I think about him constantly and this is the first time for me to ever be like this. I just don’t know how to read when a man flirts the way he has – is it in fun or is he trying to tell me something? And should I let him know my feelings or just let it ride?

Aloha,

There are a number of things for you to think about here. First, how long have you been “in the dating pool” again? It sounds like a very recent divorce and thus, after fifteen years of being involved with someone I would encourage you to step back, focus on your life, and getting a grip on “life after divorce” before you focus on trying to jump back into another relationship. When we are with someone for a long time, it is easy to lose ourselves. Often, we eat what they like, plan our days around their schedules, and invest a lot of time (especially just before the split) in trying to either save the marriage of draining a lot of energy in fighting. This can leave you feeling pretty empty—and needy.

It is much healthier to start new relationships from a place of peace and strength than from a needy place. When we are needy, we tend to settle for less than we deserve. For instance, pursuing a flirtatious, unavailable guy. You need to respect that he is in a relationship—whether he respects her, plans to marry her, loves her or not. He is in a relationship with her—for whatever reason. If he hits on you or asks you out, let him know that you are confused because you have feelings for him, but he is clearly not available. See what he says, maybe make a lighthearted joke about how your timing has been off and when the day comes that you are both available—yahoo, but until then, you can’t pursue this.

The reality is that you deserve a relationship with someone who is available, interested and honest. What you want to avoid, especially right as you are coming out of a long relationship, is getting involved with someone who cheats on his girlfriend and flirts incessantly with others.

When you start a relationship in which one or both of the partners are cheating on someone, trust becomes very difficult because you know they are/were capable of being dishonest.

I know it is hard to pull back and be sensible when you are excited about someone, but I want you to take a careful look at whether part of your thrill around this is because you have been starving for someone to flirt with you and make you feel special for the last ten years. Attention, especially after a long drawn out divorce, can feel really good. Be careful not to confuse, “I want to feel loved” with “I want to feel loved by him.”

I wish you the best,

With Aloha

Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Does flirting count as “cheating”?

Love Tip of the Week: Flirting is a lot like fishing; it is setting the bait. Be sure you don’t use bait that is the favorite of the kind of fish you don’t want to catch.

Why do I constantly pick bad boys or men who are destined to hurt me eventually??  I’m not attracted to nice guys at all—the ones who might stick around and who I could probably build a future with.  I just don’t feel the chemistry with them.  I want to get out of this syndrome but don’t know how.  Do other girls have this problem?

Aloha,

Indeed, there are many other “girls” who have this problem, which is why it has become a bit of a cliché to say that the “good guys come in last.” However, I would like you to reframe your belief system a little bit in order to change your situation.

It has been my observation that it isn’t the “bad” in the boys that women are attracted to; it is the confidence. “Bad Boys” are generally committed to their choices whether they are right or wrong, good or bad (which might also be labeled as stubborn). They tend not to apologize for their actions (which makes us crazy on one hand, but on the other, is an indicator of their commitment to their choices.) They tend to have a carefree, risk-taking nature that is also attractive and are inclined to do things spontaneously, regardless of whether it is reasonable, which casts a sense of romance. They are also, generally, passionate about something and may be quite creative about how to include it in their lives—including breaking the rules.

Now, if a guy with all of those characteristics—confidence, passion, risk-taker, etc.—has a value system based in lust, greed and disrespect, we call him a “bad boy.” However, if a guy has those same qualities but has a value system based in more acceptable social values—honesty, work ethics, spirituality, and/or the welfare of humanity—we would see him quite differently. He would be a hero.

Think of “Superman” or “Batman” or “Zorro,” for instance. They are all like “bad boys” doing good things and are quite attractive on account of it. They are like reverse bandits— they break the rules, but they do it for good— and exude all of the “bad boy” qualities, but they are “good guys.”

I invite you to consider that it isn’t the “bad” in the boys that you are attracted to, rather those qualities. Then reframe what you are looking for in men so that rather than believing that you are only attracted to “bad boys,” decide you are attracted to nice guys who also exude the qualities that you admire. (I’m not suggesting you start looking for superheroes, but rather that you recognize that there are “nice guys” out there who are attractive, confident, strong, and able to love.)

The “nice guys that come in last” are usually nice, but not confident. They tend to be wonderful guys who let others take advantage of them and thus lose respect from women. They then mistakenly think it is because they are nice guys that they lost the women, when in actuality it was because they didn’t value themselves enough.

Now, enough about the guys, what about you? Do you believe you deserve love?

Quite often when we are attracted to people with whom we stand no chance of having a lasting relationship with, it is because our own self-esteem is lacking. When we don’t believe we deserve love, we get ourselves into situations in which our belief system is supported. Start looking at what beliefs you have taken on and then change your beliefs to ones that are more supportive of your goals and your well-being. You will find that your choices will follow your beliefs—both about yourself and others.

I wish you the best.

With Aloha

Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What qualities reside within those to whom you are most attracted?

Love Tip of the Week: It is interesting to note that the qualities of high self-esteem and the qualities of ego often look the same—assertive, passionate, confident, carefree, but they feel very different! Behavior based in true self-esteem is never done with an intention to hurt others. Pay attention to how you feel when you are with other people and you will likely discover where they are coming from.

Dear Eve,

I am just not successful in love. I go out on dates, maybe even go out with someone for a few months, but at some point they always break up with me or call it off. I am not sure what I am doing wrong. The most recent woman just said that she didn’t feel like we would work out; the one before that said that I wasn’t her type after all. Do you have any suggestions?

Aloha,

It is hard to give you specific advice without any specific information as to what you are doing and saying, but I can give you some general advice in terms of what to ask yourself, and what to pay attention to. For starters, think about what you have been doing in relationships, specifically just prior to when these women decide you are not the one. Become an expert on how you show up on dates and in relationships. Be self-observant. What do you say? What don’t you say? How do you behave? Do you listen? Do you talk? Do you show interest in the other person? Are you “emotionally available”?

Ask yourself, “What is it like to date me?” Put yourself into the other person’s place and try to imagine what it is like to be in a relationship with you. What is it like to go out to dinner with you? What is it like to be in love with you? What is it like to be intimate with you? Pay attention to the feedback women are giving you. Perhaps they are giving you more information as to why it isn’t working than you are paying attention to.

Let me ask you this also, did you think that you were a match, or were the women right to call it off? Sometimes we get so offended by “rejection” that our egos don’t stop to realize that we really didn’t belong with someone and they actually did us a favor by acknowledging the truth. It may not be that you are “not successful in love” but rather that you simply haven’t yet found the right person to be successful with.

Another thing that may be useful to you is to examine the set of rules that you unconsciously (or consciously) live by. We all have “rules” or beliefs that dictate our behavior but these rules don’t always serve us—or our relationships. Even “The Rules” taught to us by “experts” can actually do more harm than good by interfering with your natural, authentic expression and your values. Identify your personal rules, for instance, “A man should always be the one to make the move (and the flipside rule that a woman shouldn’t make the move,” or “A man should always pay for the date,” or “You shouldn’t tell someone that you really like them too early in a relationship” or “it is better to make up an excuse than to tell the truth when you don’t want to date someone.” Notice which beliefs impact your behavior on a date and then determine whether these rules and beliefs are serving you or not. If they are, great! Continue believing them. If they don’t serve you , or worse yet, actually sabotage you, then it is time to choose new beliefs. If you have always done things one way (and it hasn’t worked for you), then consciously choose to do it a different way next time and see if the results are different.

I wish you the best,

With Aloha,

Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is it like to date you?

Love Tip of the Week: Don’t give up on love. The bottom line is that you won’t be “successful” in love until you are successful.

I am about to return to a relationship with a man I am married to, but have lived away from for the last five years. I am going to try again, but need some new communication skills. Please help.

Aloha,

This relationship must have some really wonderful components if it has endured living apart for five years and holds enough promise for you to uproot your current life and move back into it. I am excited for you and the possibilities your decision holds.

Ultimately, when deciding to make a marriage work, it is important to ask yourself “What would I do if divorce (or living 3000 miles apart) were not an option—and living miserably or unhappily were not an option either?” Since we cannot change the other person, we realize that the only thing we can do is to change our own behavior, approach, words, and actions, and allow the other person to be who they are, make their own mistakes, and to choose their own life lessons.

Learning to transcend our egos is critical in creating healthy relationships. Ego is that part of us that judges, criticizes, blames and argues—and it flares continuously for most of us. The best way to transcend the ego is to become self-observant all the time. Practice by asking yourself, “What am I thinking now? What am I feeling now?” and simply notice what is going on with you—especially when you are being triggered by someone else.

Sometimes you will notice that you are feeling judged by the other person and that is triggering your defenses and your ego’s need for approval.

Sometimes when being self-observant, you will notice that you are the one judging, which is about your ego’s need for control. In that moment, rather than letting ego dictate your behavior, take a deep breath and CHOOSE words and actions in alignment with your goal of making this relationship work—joyfully and healthfully.

Love is our true goal, but the ego is confused in how to do this. The need for control is the ego’s confused version of loving and the need for approval is the ego’s confused version of being loved. Ego is always, always, always what blocks being love in a relationship. Thus, when we recognize the ego in action (through self-observation) we are afforded the opportunity to make a new choice and honor our goal to love and be loved, instead of ego. This takes practice and you can start now, before you go back to your marriage, by consciously being self-observant and practicing choosing words and actions that honor your true goals and values in any given situation.

Ironically, we so often declare that we want love but then our words and actions are unconsciously generated by ego/head instead of from our souls/heart. In other words, our stated destination is love and joy, but our steps all lead elsewhere. We need to “train the brain to start with heart.”

We also need to be honest in our communication, but honest with purpose. Meaning that we need to pass what we are going to tell someone through the “test” of asking ourselves, “Is this purposeful or helpful to tell the other person? Is this something that they can do anything about? Is there a way to say it that is not hurtful? Is what I have to say truly a statement about them, or is it really revealing something about my need for approval or control? Is this being said from heart or from ego?”

I’ve found that I can be “brutally honest” with people saying exactly what I see going on with them, when I am saying it 100% from a place of wanting the best for them. If any of my own ego (judgment) comes into the answer or feedback, they resist and aren’t able to receive my words. Thus, their ability to hear what I say is entirely dependant on the energy with which I say it.

With Aloha

Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is the spirit behind your words and actions?

Love Tip of the Week: Pay attention to what you say and what you truly want the result of your words to be. If your intention is to inflict hurt or judgment, then best to turn your analysis on yourself, as you are not yet ready to speak.